


Happy 20th!

by TeddyBearDoctors



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 01:01:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18272600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeddyBearDoctors/pseuds/TeddyBearDoctors
Summary: Quentin is turning 20 and he can't help but feel like he's already failed at life, Julia comforts him





	Happy 20th!

**Author's Note:**

> I really just use Quentin to write about my own anxieties and fears lol  
> This fic obviously takes place before the show starts, just a little one shot to make myself feel better mid breakdown.

Quentin never wanted to be 20, never wanted to be 18 either, he wanted to die long before his 20th birthday rolled around. But suddenly it's right around the corner and he feels like he's failed, he's failed at life and he failed at death. If he was going to kill himself why is he still alive? Failure. Why is he turning 20 with still no direction in life, still no goals and still no idea who or what he wants to be? Failure. The realization weighs heavy on Quentin, dragging him further and further into a depressive state the closer to 20 he becomes. He can't turn 20, not yet, not when he still feels like a directionless 16 year old with mental illnesses and a shit job and no idea at all what to do next. He can't turn 20, he can't.

Quentin doesn't know what to do. He plays with the idea of suicide, can't turn 20 if he's dead and he's always wanted to do it so why not now. Why not save himself the trouble of turning 20, save everyone the disappointment of watching him continue to fail at life. Why not just end it all? It seems like the best option.

Julia takes notice in his behavior, notices how he isn't quite there, the hours and days he spends alone, the lack of eating, the depression that clings to him like a wet blanket. She notices, because of course she does, and because she's Julia she doesn't let him wallow alone in the dark. Quentin is under his blankets, the lights are off and the silence is only broken by his heavy breathing from under the covers. Julia moves quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Quentin knows she's there, but he's pretending to be asleep, Julia doesn't leave though instead she remains seated, watching the rise of fall of the blanket as Quentin attempts to breathe underneath it.

“I know you have bad days, Q, and I try to give you your space when you need it but it's been days, weeks. This is different, something is bothering you.” Her voice is soft but clear and she hears Quentin shuffle under the blanket but he doesn't come out.

“Please, Q, talk to me.”

He moves slowly, the blanket pulled away to reveal a disheveled Quentin. His hair is tangled and greasy, his skin pale and his eyes red and puffy. He looks exhausted and so very sad, he looks like he's had one break down after the other, probably overthinking endlessly and making himself miserable. Julia gives him a small smile, trying to convey sympathy or simply that she's there. Quentin looks away, eyes cast down to his hands and his hair falls to hide his face.

Julia sighs but understands, she knows Quentin and she knows he's not gonna talk about this stuff while looking her in the eye.

“I don't know what I'm doing.” His voice is rough, fragile and broken. He must have been crying and Julia hates that she didn’t hear him, wasn’t there to comfort him.

“Right now?”

“At all. In life. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I want to do.”

“That's ok.” Julia tries.

“No! It's not!” Quentin's voice rises, pain and panic obvious. “I'm turning 20 in a few days and I feel like a fucking kid! Everyone else has things figured out, they're growing up and going to school and making something out of themselves and what am I doing? The same thing I'm always doing, I haven't changed and everyone else has.”

“Q…” she reaches out but he finches away rather violently, curling in on himself.

“Don't tell me it's ok, it's not ok. I'm turning 20…”

“It's just another birthday, just another age. It doesn't define you. Everyone moves at their own pace, who cares if you don't have a big life goal at 20?”

“I care. I should have figured it out by now but I don't know anymore then I did at 16.”

“Q, stop saying that. You've grown so much since 16, just because you haven't become famous or decided on a career path to follow for the next 60 years of your life doesn't mean you haven't accomplished anything.”

Quentin shakes his head and Julia wants to cry, how can he feel so worthless?

“You've grown up where it matters, your relationships, your view on the world, dealing with your illness, figuring yourself out and so many other things. Your life doesn't revolve around some big plan that you're supposed to follow and have a career starting at 20 and just know everything. No one knows anything at 20, you're supposed to feel confused, you're 20 not 40. You're barely an adult, geez you can still relate to high school kids why would you possibly have life figured out?”

“I'm not a kid, I've had years to figure out what I wanna do and I’m still sitting on the couch and working shitty jobs and I'm still _so sad_ , Julia.” It sounds like a confession he didn't want to admit to, like admitting it makes it real, like it means he failed.

“So? You're not gonna figure it all out overnight, it's not like you turn 20 and suddenly you have a life goal, a cute partner, and your own apartment. Hell, Q, you've been taking it in steps your whole life why do you suddenly think it's a sprint to the finish line?”

“I just thought things would be different by now.”

“They are. I'm not saying everything is perfect, everything in your life might feel like a work in progress, including yourself, but that's ok! You don't have to have a perfect life and a big idea right now, Q, you can just be. Who cares if you don't have it all figured out, who cares if you're flailing in open water and it feels like you're drowning. You're not drowning, Q, and you're not alone. Most people don't know what they're doing at 20 either, the lucky few do, but no one cares if you don't know yet. It's better to figure it out later then to think you've got it at 16 and run head first into degrees and decisions you regret later. You'll figure it out, Q, you don't have to rush it. You just have to enjoy where you are now, the rest will come, just enjoy your life as it happens.”

“I just don't want to be 40 and look back and realize I never did anything. I don't want to be in the same place.”

“You won't be! You'll figure it out but even if you don't things will change. Things always change and you're always changing too. You're not going to be in the same place if you don't want to be.”

“I feel like I've failed.” He mumbles and Julia rests her hand on his knee, smiling when Q finally looks at her. He looks so small and scared and Julia just wants to show him that none of this matters, his life is happening right now and Q just needs to live it to succeed in life. There is no mission that he needs to complete.

“You haven't, you're doing just fine. And it’s okay if you don’t believe me, because I know I’m right and years from now you’re gonna look back and agree with me.”

Quentin nods slowly and Julia knows it’s gonna take him a little while longer to get out of this state but she also knows she’s going to be there with him every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope it wasn't too awful and if you're struggling with something similar then know that you never have to do anything special to be worthy of love or life or anything, you just have to be yourself.


End file.
